2014年11月10日月曜日

December 16th

 
Next month, on the 16th is the day you were supposed to be born. My due date...the day I was supposed to hold you and tell you "Happy Birthday." I will always wonder who you would have been. Do you have mummy's smile? Have a small nose like mummy?

It's so hard to see pregnant ladies. I'm not going to lie...I can't stop thinking "Why she was able to have her baby and I was not?" When I see ladies with babies, I wonder where is my baby. I know she is in heaven but the longings I have is overwhelming. I don't think there was a single day that I didn't think about her ever since I've lose her. I still remember her eyes, fingers and feet. So tiny yet so beautiful. I didn't get to hear the heartbeat. I didn't have any ultrasound pictures. I still regret why I said no to the doctor's offer when he first wanted to check and see if I was pregnant. If I have said yes, then I would have listened to your heartbeat and have the picture of you.

Mummy misses you every single day. I don't think it'll get easier. It's something I will live with for the rest of my life.

I've never thought about killing myself many times in my life like I did this past year. All I wanted was to be with you, hold you, kiss you and tell you how much I love you. I was so depressed. The pain of losing you literally killed me.

After having tattoos which have meanings, some things have changed. I feel closer to you. I feel stronger as a person. It's a reminder for me to really appreciate the life I have here. It's a way to show the world you existed and you are my baby.

I still don't know if I bake cupcakes on the day you turn one. I know you're with Jesus and he is holding you. I'm sure he knows how much mummy loves you. 

All I wanted in life was to have you as my baby and see you grow.

Hana Rose, I love you so much. 

I found this blog today and I can relate to what she says.

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